You Are Not An Impostor

I did something amazing this year. I stepped out of my comfort zone of teaching high energy math lessons and following it up with standard practice and I went all in with mastery learning. Out of the six major units I did two using the grid method, two using a modified version using the student paced mode of Peardeck, half of one using completely standard practices (the three weeks before Christmas) and the last unit, which is small, we had some fun with new ideas because May is for beta testing.

This transition was brought on by my diverse group of students needing to be met where they are. You see in that room, our beginning of the year testing showed that my highest student was in the 93rd percentile and my lowest student was in the 2nd percentile. Yay, diversity. I was tired of not reaching the two ends.

So, prompted by my amazing learning design specialist (read coach) and having sat in on the grid method session twice this summer, I took the leap and I really liked it. In class, I condensed my high energy lessons and did my best to give my students protected time to work. There were moments of great triumph. A small group who worked together almost every day rose from average to being labeled well above average according to two separate assessments. Another student worked their way into our gifted program because I did not force them to do what everyone else was doing. All of my students showed growth and I know it was successful, but it wasn’t 100 percent. Not all of my students crossed the finish line and passed the state assessment. Nearly two weeks later, it still hurts.

The feeling of failure
Photo by Tomas Williams

Yesterday, I heard a new term: Impostor Syndrome. It is the feeling educators (and maybe others) get when they feel like they don’t belong. Like everything that they are doing, no matter how many people tell them otherwise, is garbage. Like any minute someone is going to walk through the door, look around and say, “You have no idea what you are doing. You may leave. We will find someone else who will teach this all the right way.” And those results put me there, y’all.

What did I do wrong, says the voice in my head.

You let everyone down.

If you can’t get this to work, what is wrong with doing it the traditional way?

You told them you’d love them for 180 days, how could you let those fail?

If you feel this way, know that you are not alone. We can hurt. It is the power we have given testing, and evaluations, and caring for the people who walk in our doors every day. It is why we need a break and makes us cry from the stresses of this job. Don’t give up. Don’t quit doing what you feel is right for the 15 to 130 kids you teach. I won’t. I saw the good, I am already planning bonkers stuff for next year that is gamified, and personalized, and mastery based, and anything else I feel is going to benefit the next group that I will love for 180 days. If there is a name for that feeling that I heard on a Podcast it also means I am not alone. So I wanted you to know, you aren’t either.

The sun will rise over those rocky waters.
Photo by Sebastian Voortman